Establishing Connections after The Loss of a Child

Image courtesy of Jim Warren

Our attachment to those we love is so strong that when we lose a child we are thrown into the gut wrenching pain of grief as that physical attachment is severed, often abruptly – we are cast adrift, despairing and desolate. When I consider my personal journey of grieving for my son the greatest aid to my own healing has been finding an ongoing connection, a gossamer thread to the unknown, to where he is now.

After experiencing loss, it is expected that we will want to know where our loved ones are and what they are doing. Are they ‘safe’, can we connect with them in some way; can they see us, hear us, and be with us still? Exploring the premise of life after death is something that is a common practice amongst bereaved parents.We want to find out where our child is; we want to know all we can about life after death. For myself, I challenged my own beliefs and read widely devouring everything I could to get the answers I wanted. Ultimately, I will never know the answers whilst I am still here – I am in the physical realm, whilst I believe, my son is in an ethereal realm, in a world so different to mine.

I have chosen many ways to connect to him, but here I’ll share my personal favourites.

I TALK TO HIM: In my early days of grief, I bought the loveliest, most beautiful journal I could find and I started writing. I told him how much I missed him, how I felt, what he meant to me and what I was doing with my strangely altered life. I wrote of despair, of wonder at where he was, of doubt of my ability to get through life without him. I dated the entries and kept a note of how many times a month I wrote to him. In the early days, it was every day, sometimes twice a day. The messages were the same, the missing, the longing, the despair, the anger and injustice of it all. Over time this has changed, the entries have become less frequent, the messages less peppered with rage, more acceptance has crept in and love, always so much love. It is my way of connecting, of still ‘talking’ to him, of keeping him a part of my life – of maintaining our bond.

I HEAR FROM HIM: I know for many people the idea of visiting a medium or clairvoyant is against their belief system, or they view it with a large degree of scepticism, but I have found it to be a very positive experience. The messages I have received over the years, have been totally affirming and left me feeling uplifted and supported.  When I lost my son, it was what I wanted to do more than anything else. I wanted to see if they could communicate with him, in a way that I was no longer able to. I craved the knowledge about where he was and if he was OK. Over the past 3 years, when I have been in the presence of a medium, they have been able to reinforce my belief that my son is happy, he is content; he is not alone, he watches over me and knows what I am doing in my life. This is described with amazing accuracy and I get the feeling he really is around me – I hear him at those moments.

I SEE HIM: Whilst I wish I could, unfortunately I can’t. What I mean here, is the symbolism of our loved ones around us. For me Stuart’s spirit has always been a bird, we set him free, free to soar and spread his wings. After he died, I would sit in my garden gazebo, writing or reading surrounded by a little honeyeater that would perch itself on a rock and watch me intently. There have been many, many birds over the years, but each leave me with a sense of peace that his spirit is with me. I know for many others it may be a dragonfly, a butterfly, a feather or a dolphin. Your loved one will find their own special symbol which ‘speaks’ to you in a way that is truly THEM. Stuart was always obsessed with money from a very young age. So often, I find coins in the most unlikely of places and think ‘Hi Stuart’ and smile – he is with me.

Our children continue to communicate with us in so many different ways but which we can be so very quick to dismiss as nonsense and the fanciful notions of the bereaved. When I am struck by the weight of the sceptic in me, I choose to believe, because really there is no harm in choosing comfort and hope that our connection with our beautiful children continues in one way or another from this world to the next.

© Maureen Hunter

http://www.esdeer.com.au/

The 5 Healing Powers of Nature in Loss and Grief

I love walking near the ocean or in the bush. Such a ritual has so often brightened my day and restored my very being during times of immense sorrow and grief. Whilst studies have demonstrated the restorative and healing potential of nature, especially during difficulties in life, my own personal experience has enabled me to capture my experiences and wrap them into The 5 Healing Powers of Nature.

1. The Healing Power of the Senses

When we are in nature, all our senses are immediately heightened. By taking time to evoke all the wonder that is there, we can renew ourselves in the beauty surrounding us. The sensation of a grain of sand stuck between our toes or the flash of a darting minow in the shallows. Enjoy gulping in the heady fragrance of wild freesias or hear the sweet call of birdsong from afar. The colours of a feather splayed out in its glory, its smoothness gently stroked. These simple experiences allow us to escape from the ordinary into the sublime world that nature is. Our sensations come alive enabling us to feel invigorated, to feel better, and to enjoy a stolen moment of pleasure in the midst of our grieving world.

2. The Healing Power of A Special Place

Nature has so many places we can escape to: it can be the beach far away or lying on our lawn looking up at the moon singing its song through the stars. We will each of us find our own special place where we feel connected to nature, where we can shout and cry in our aloneness, where we can escape from our lives for just a second or two. Here we can inhale all it offers to us freely. It can be our quiet place, our safe place, our healing place, our forgetting place, our special place.

3. The Healing Power of Quietness

A peaceful environment can help us to clear the mismash of random thoughts and images that constantly pour through our head. We can breathe in the fresh, clean air and as our minds gently clear, stop the chaos for a while, instead allowing contemplation, reflection and inspiration to flow in their place.

4. The Healing Power of Getting On

Nature and movement are happy partners. The benefits of activity are well known, affecting us postively on an emotional and physical level. Opposingly, inertia and immobility depletes our energy and restrains us in a fog of stuckness. Nature provides us with a beautiful environment to walk, swim, jog, or cycle giving us a surge of feel good chemicals throughout our body, as well as many more benefits.

5. The Healing Power of Regeneration

Nature goes on no matter what; the sun rises every day, spring follows winter, bare trees form buds. When the bush is damaged by fire, we soon can see signs of new growth, as saplings sprout and form out of the blackened earth. It reminds us that as nature renews itself continually, as we too can on our journey through grief.

Look deep, deep into nature, and then

You will understand everything better.

Albert Einstein

Until next time

Maureen

http://www.esdeer.com.au/

Grieving in your own way

I came across this the other day and wanted to share with you the healing words of Alan Wolfelt, as he discusses grief and the expectations of others.

The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Alan Wolfelt, PhD

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

 

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

 

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Hoping you find inspiration and hope in these empowering words.

Maureen